Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in bloodreamer's LiveJournal:

Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
10:42 am	Men Are Clueless And still he asks me what is wrong with me... what did he do wrong this time... What is wrong with men? Do they live in a two-dimensional reality rather than the same three-dimensional one we live in? Do they speak a different language? How do I even go about trying to explain it to him? Do I start with the fact that I only heard from him one brief time all during Christmas? That he knowingly called me too early on Christmas Eve, left me a message saying he'd me call me back when it was actually Christmas in my time zone, but then he never did. I fell asleep on the couch waiting for that call that never came. In fact, he didn't even bother to call me the next night, either: Christmas night. Sometime around 12:30 am I called him because I wanted to make sure he was all right and that nothing had happened to him. Of course he was all right. He always is. He was just being his usual passive, apathetic, let's-wait-and-see, I-don't-really-give-a-shit self. But, naturally, that phone call got cut short, because I'd waited too late to call and I had to get off the phone after only a few minutes. Oh, he called me back the next night... but not until after 1:00 am, after he knew good and well that I'd already have the phone turned off. And he left me a message telling me how he needed to talk to me because he was so bored... it was a slow night... nothing exciting was going on. Basically that translates to: you're not important enough for me to make time for, or give up any of my own time for, you're only good enough for keeping me distracted when I'm really bored and for helping me kill time when I don't have anything better to do. But, even then, he did promise to call me the next day. At first, he was actually going to try to call me that next morning... a Saturday morning, just like old times. But then he couldn't remember what I'd already told him -- in detail -- three times that week. So he decided to just wait until that night to call me. But that call never came either... not for four days. And then only because I called and left a message on his voicemail asking if he was alive or dead, sick or well, hurt, in jail, deported, shacked up with some new whore or what. But when does that call come? At 2:15 am! Obviously, he wasn't interested in talking to me. He just wanted to let my voicemail know that he was still alive. So, that brings us to New Year's Eve... I sat up until 2:00 am waiting for a phone call wishing me a happy new year. It never came. No phone call came the next night, either. And, before you ask me why I didn't call him, it wasn't up to me this time. I'm tired of being the only one who puts forth any effort. I'm tired of being the only one who tries... the only one who gives a shit. I'm tired of begging for crumbs. So, to sum it up... once again I got fucked over at a time when I'm most vulnerable and need love and support the very most. The holidays, from Halloween on, are like navigating a psychological and emotional mine field for me. Getting through them without coming undone takes all the strength I've got. But nobody cares about that... or about me, either, obviously. Do you know I've gained 30 pound since the end of October? All due to my emotional eating disorder. The more stress and depression I experience, the more I try to comfort myself with food, and the bigger I get. So now I have to try to get past all this emotional baggage and try to focus on getting this weight back off again for the millionth time as quickly as possible. Almost none of my clothes fit me right now and I just can't afford to go buy new ones again. Current Mood: tired Current Music: "I Hate Myself For Loving You" by Joan Jett (Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2004
11:57 pm	Life Still Hurts I was so depressed again today that I didn't even get out of bed until almost 11:00 am, and then only because I had to call and cancel my appointment. I just couldn't face getting dressed or leaving the house or actually having to pretend that I was all right and try to carry on pleasant conversation with people. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. And that's all I still want to do. It takes way too much effort and concentration to do anything else right now. God, I wish I was back on Wellbutrin! What I wouldn't give to go emotionally numb right about now. But I don't know how anybody can expect me to feel any differently. First, for all practical purposes, I get pretty much blown off, shoved aside and forgotten about all during Christmas. Then I'm promised phone call after phone call that simply never come. And even when they do, it's at three o'clock in the fucking morning when everybody knows there's no way in Hell I would still be up. Which means that they didn't actually want to talk to me, they just wanted to leave a short message on my machine. And then, to top it all off, I am completely forgotten about and ignored on both New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Again. How many years in a row does that make? I've lost count. Well, so be it. I'm just damned sick and tired of always being last on everybody's priority list. I'm fed up with being a fucking afterthought instead of the main event. I'm sick of opening myself up and giving so much of myself to people who can't even be bothered to make even the smallest fucking effort once in a great while... who can't even take five minutes out of their busy ass schedule to make me feel missed or needed or wanted or appreciated. I'm so sick of being the only one who ever tries! I'm fed up with never being the one who matters. And I'm really tired of never having anybody show me that they care about me rather than just reciting empty words and promises to me over and over and over again without any real feeling behind them. For example, when I say "I love you" to someone it's because I mean it. I'm not just throwing those words around to anybody and everybody like some generic catch phrase. This year's going to be different. I refuse to be a doormat for people to wipe their boots on anymore. Current Mood: sad and unhappy Current Music: "Piano In The Dark" by Brenda Russell (Comment on this)
12:15 am	What's So F***ing Happy About The New Year? Not surprisingly, here I am starting another new year feeling utterly abandoned, alone and unloved. I hate this fucking life... I hate myself... I hate everyone in my lousy life right now. They always let me down. They always disappoint me... and break my heart... and make me feel like the lowest, most unimportant, insignificant piece of nothing in the universe. And I keep letting them. Over and over and over again. If I had any sense, I'd swallow a handful of sleeping pills and chase them down with a bottle of vodka. Not that anyone would give a shit for more than five minutes or actually miss me in any way. Hell, I bet it would take them at least a month to even notice I'm gone. Current Mood: despondent Current Music: "Good Morning Heartache" by Billie Holiday (Comment on this)
Monday, December 29th, 2003
11:34 am	Trial Run Well, here I am finally setting up an online journal like I've been planning to do for about a year now. Hopefully I'll be able to compel myself to post on a semi-regular basis. The advantage of this is that all of my friends, family and loved ones will always have access to my innermost musings without actually having to communicate with me in any direct way. Trust me, that'll be damned convenient for most of them. Current Mood: apathetic verging on gloomy Current Music: "Pomegranate" by Transglobal Underground (Comment on this)